"All this happened, more or less"
This is the opening sentence of Kurt Vonnegut's novel, "Slaughter House Five" and I instantly thought of Fatimus Maximus.
On this occasion Fatimus was somewhat debonair, yet elicits sympathy, ...umm, like when you see a wet cat for example. You feel a cringe, you want to towel it off, yet the cat won't hold still enough to get a good rub in. Meet Fatimus Maximus.
When you become a legend, it's a good thing.
Fatimus Maximus was a virgin on this run. There was nothing exceptional about him. I mean, we knew his big boy pants wouldn't hold without Pussy Snatcher's light touch of tape between the legs. Never mind, he's of a good sort. He can plod well enough. He knows his maths. He beat anorexia.
Legends aren't always precise in their telling, but just enough truth is enough. Fatimus Maximus was on trail. He wandered around in the woods dividing sums and contemplating navel. Then it occurred to him; a feeling like a blade nick on the neck from shaving.
"Humm" says Fatimus. "How queer this feeling is. Here I am alone in the woods, going to some unknown destination, for reasons not quite clear."
He reached inside his pocket. "Hey hey, whats this...a joint, yea must be from last night. Well, might as well finish it up."
15 minutes later. "Well, certainly if I had a donut I would eat it."
As he pounded the foliage he philosophized ; "What language would I think in if I was deaf. Shit, I'd be thinking in sign language, that would suck."
But luckily for him, nobody was around to hear his musing. He smiled to himself. "There are more nipples in the world then people, how cool is that."
He went on "And even if some people were born without nipples, there still would be a ton of nipples around, I mean tons."
He stopped dead in his tracks "Holy fuck, streetlights in video games use real electricity, I got to cut down on that. Mmmm, wait a minute. is the "s" or the "c" silent in the word "scent"? I need to look that up one day."
Then he heard a voice coming from nowhere. "Fatimus. Stop. Look around. Do you know where you are?" It said.
"Who's that?" says Fatimus.
"I am the souls of past lost hashers" says the voice.
"And what do you want of me, oh great spirit from the beyond."
"I want beer, and I want it now."
"But oh great one, I don't know how to get it."
"Go back to the last paper."
"And how will that get you beer?"
"Seek and you shall find my son. Seek the paper. The paper, beer is at the end of the paper"
But:
"I wonder if bugs know they can walk up walls."
"If tomatoes are a fruit then ketchup must be a smoothie."
"Where does a thought go when you lose it?"
An hour later.
"Now what was I doing? Oh yea, hashing. Shit, if I was Dorothy I would just kick my red heels three times and be back home. She had it easy. Maybe I'll be so late returning I won't have to wear the nappie. If I only had a large pepperoni pizza with extra whip cream."
And that thought followed Fatimus Maximus all the way to the bucket.
A big shout out to our outgoing GM, The Wizard.
And please, a kind applause for our new GM (when does old pussy become new pussy again?), Sperm Polluter (have mercy on his soul).
Humbly submitted by
The Ghost Rider
On On
The Ghost Rider
