I went up to Buriram last week to pick up my new teelak who lives close by. I rented a nice hotel room just outside the city. It was precisely 8:32 pm when my phone rang (yes, I did say MY phone). I and my teelak were in the middle of doing the nasty when that damn phone kept sounding its alarm. I ignored it the best I could until I had a bright thought (not many of them come my way).
My thought went like this:
"Only 4 people in this world know my phone number; my new Teelak, GI Joe, Pussy Snatcher, and I'm a F**king Cupcake. The call cant be from my teelak (shes under me at the moment), and the other guys know.... how much I hate phone calls, so if they are calling me perhaps they have an emergency...maybe one of them is in the hospital, in jail or under a bus. I better answer the freaking phone."
So, I pull out... and attempt to find the "answer" button on the phone. "Its got to be here somewhere". I eventually found it:
"Hello"
"Jellobutt....what are you doing now?"
"Who is this?"
"What you mean who is this?...who do you think? Look at the name on caller ID."
"Whats a caller ID?
"On your phone, it tells you who is calling"
"I cant see the name, too dark in my room and I'm currently blind drunk...who the f**k is this?"
"Jellobutt you dumb shit, you dont know who I am"
"NO"
"Its me...I'm a F**king Cupcake...what are you doin? You with your new girlfriend now?"
"Yes, she's here...Why you calling me?"
"I'm calling you cause I want your new girfriend to know you have friends."
"You are a sick man. This is precisely why I did NOT have a phone for the last 8 years. Buggers like you.
"Can I talk to your teelak for a minute, just to say hi"
So I hand over the phone to my teelak who is still butt naked, looking good.
"Teelak, my stupid friend wants to say hi to you"
"Helllllllllllloooo,,,,, ka,.....ka........ka......OK Ka."
She pushes the button to kill the call.
"Well, what did he say?"
"He tell me to tell you a message....he say to tell you ... Jellobutt is a mid-pack f**k-up, slow prick."
"uh ha, ok"
"But I don't understand one word...what is a "Jellobutt?"
Back to Pattaya.
Why am I writing this Monkey scribe? Isn't Spag Head or Lord Lucan supposed to write it?
Well, what actually happend on the run still remains a bit fuzzy as all I really remember is crawling around on the sand beach trying to keep my insides intacked. But, I think I had a great time as my huge morning after headache was very reminding. But, in conclusion I can sum up the run with one sentence, prefaced by a short story:
When I went to Buriram to pick up my girlfriend off the farm, I remember her father speaking Issan to me and he said:
"l;kjhal;jkdfla;djkflsakjtaldkjfgdlkgjaldjgajg"
Of course, I dont speak Issan so have no idea what he said. So, I asked my teelak,
"What did father just say.?"
"He say "Now, she's your fucking problem."
OK, kinda like what the hares told the pack just before the run.
"Now its your fucking problem."
On On
Jellobutt
