It seems that S.S. Patel, Deputy Mayor of Delhi, has died as a result of injuries incurred during a monkey attack. This allegation against the Jungle Monkey Pack is clearly untrue and is a smear on our unblemished reputation. An apology has been requested from the author.
Monkey see monkey do? Or Human do, then train monkey so less humans have to do?
We are lead to believe Afghanistan's Taliban insurgents are training monkeys to use weapons to attack American troops, according to a recent report by a British-based media agency.
Reporters from the media agency spotted and took photos of a few "monkey soldiers" holding AK-47 rifles and Bren light machine guns in the Sattahip tribal region near the border between Chonburi Province and Rayong. They were last seen on Saturday 25th September alighting from baht bus transport and then rapidly deploying into the surrounding hills. In addition to their heavy weapons, many were also seen to be carrying toy plastic weapons!
This report and photos have been widely spread by media agencies and Web sites across the world.
According to the report, American military experts call them "Monkey Hash Terrorists."
An American official responded that the Taliban forces have started training "monkey soldiers" after suffering heavy losses, implying that they have exhausted their tricks. Nevertheless, the Taliban believe that the emergence of "monkey soldiers" indicates that they have found "smarter" and more effective ways to cope with American troops.
Ironically, the initiators of "Monkey Soldiers" are the Americans. Between the 1960s and the 1970s, the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) trained massive "monkey soldiers" in the Vietnam War and dispatched armed monkeys into dangerous jungles to launch assaults on Vietnamese soldiers.
Our reporter was allowed to accompany this particular band of Hash Jungle Monkeys as they set out on their latest training mission "Monkey Wars". (For security reasons all names have been changed).
Logistically this training mission almost fell apart before if started and had it not been for the Radio Monkey Corporal Cornhole, Sheik Meme and Rear Gunner would have been lost without trace before the exercise began. Interesting quotes such as "late for their own funeral" and, "how can our Commanding Officer get lost before we start" were heard emanating from the troop.
And so we deployed into the hills almost an hour later than was planned! Led by G.I. Joe and Smelly Bastard we promptly surrounded and captured a disused rock quarry. In this instance the only resistance was in the form of a sleeping Thai security guard who was ignored because of his inability to speak English!
Our next objective was to storm, overrun, and hold a deserted snake infested hill top. It seemed the faster fitter members of the troop "did in fact" storm and completely overrun the hill - - all the way down the other side without stopping. The remainder staggered and crawled to the objective and then sat down in the shade to admire the view and eat the snakes they had captured. Jellobut was among the sitting Monkey's as he thought a good rest and warm meal was in order. (sic)
Our "Officer in Change – Sheik Meme and his Commander in Waiting Lord Lucan then made plans to ambush a passing vehicle. This task was remarkably successful, firstly, because not a shot was fired and secondly it was found the vehicle was carrying lots of ice cold drinking water on board.
Plans to set explosives under a bridge culvert had to be abandoned when Rumpled Foreskin and Spaghetti Head admitted to leaving the ordnance on the top of the hill where they sat down to admire the view and feed their faces.
It is thought Corporal Cornhole had also "misplaced" his radio headset at the same location, as all communication with "D Base" was lost.
Our covert operations continued and we were instructed to take a nearby "higher" unguarded hill top. This proved surprisingly difficult as the bamboo inflicted numerous wounds with its unbending resistance. Many of the troops found themselves cut and bloodied by the time this objective was finally secured. In particular, Split Beaver and Sheik Bin Shaggin had to make a visit to the field medic – Speedy Gonzales who administered to their needs.
We are now almost four hours into "Operation Monkey Wars" and the unrelenting heat and staggering pace of the march can be seen etched onto the faces of the intrepid Monkeys. Many of these finely tuned athletes have peaked too early and most turn "Turkey" with the final objective in sight! Yes, another f…ing hill and quarry! To make matters worse, the worn torn Monkeys are subjected to a mortar and thunder flash bombardment.
On a lighter note this was another great day out for the Pattaya Jungle Monkey Hash! Good run, good food, and a very good circle. There were a lot of very tired Monkey Insurgents who found their way home from the Jasmine Bar , located around Sukhumvit and Hwy 332, in Ban Saray, at rather a late hour….all heading to the Thistle Hash Bar for another round, no doubt!
Part 28 of the Monkey saga will happen on 20 November 2010. This will be entitled "Five Years of Monkey"
On On
Lord Lucan
