Pattaya Monkey Run XXV was an Outstation Run, at Wang Nam Khieo which is adjacent to Taplan National Park and Cardomen mountain range. Totally unspoiled and wild.
The hardest thing with this run was to wake up 07:00 in the morning, it was so fucking early that I had to wake up the rooster…and that is much too early. But any way I was at the famous hash bar, Thistle bar at 08:05 and I was still awake…. When I got there, there were already a lot of hashers there, wow! and most of them were smiling and ready to go, for me I do not like people that smile too much in the morning, I like the quiet morning…hallelujah…
The journey started 08:30, and of course I choose the wrong car/van….Oh my Buddha….the French connection, and me Mud cracker, in the middle between Madam Claude and Wee Wee…Praise my excellent headset with noise cancelling, it was magic…..Horse was sitting in the front seat and try to guide the driver…but this fucking stupid Aussie they never know which way to go….So when Horse fell asleep, we all look up in the air…and said "thank you Buddha"
After 3 and half hours in the car/van we finally came to the famous Wang Nam Khieo and at the fantastic house of Penny Drops. First rule: No shoes inside the house, second rule no peeing onto the tents, and the third rule, for Rectom, no kissing at night.
Then it was time for lunch….and we all waiting for this fucking Aussie Bam Bam or wanna be GM. This time Bam Bam like to play the important "Grand Masturbator", no one start eating before I say so, that come from Mr. fucking Aussie Bam Bam/GM….Why do all these Aussie like to be smart…I have never met any smart Aussie in my whole life. Most of the hashers were sitting like dogs and waiting to start to eat, and then Mr. Bam Bam/GM said….Ok we can start to eat…and in 2 second Jellobutt was there, wow!!! Has Jellobutt not been eating for a week? OK it was for free, but Jellobutt you do not need to put food in your pockets, and bring home for your fridge…I know your financial is not good, that's why we see you so often on the beach road…
Ok, we are ready to run, just like a girl are ready to get fucked or was It opposite. Anyway we drove to the start and we got the very important info from the Hares Lord Lucan, Penny Drop's and Rectum, stay on paper……………this is Taplan National Park and there is nothing but jungle and elephant shit between here and Cambodia.
Jihaaa….ON ON….and then we disappear into the wild, wild jungle, with a lot of thorn and other shit thing that scrapes my nice tan skin…But I am a man and take it like a man, not like G.I Joe that stopping up and say ajj ohhh….shit, oh I bleeding…remember this man G.I Joe is an American and a retarded Vietnam veteran soldier ….hahaha.
I was staying little bit behind to take care of the old hashers and the Aussies…and again this Aussie Bam Bam was sitting down like he was waiting for a BBQ to finish, was he so tired after 15 minutes – perhaps he was waiting for better days?
Me, Mud cracker and Vaseline Thighs were FRB's, and want a be FRB Jellobutt (wished he could keep up) but everybody knows Jellobutt, we scream out ON ON to guide the rest of the hashers the right way in the true the Monkey Hash way. Then a check and another check and more checks and every time Mr. Jellobutt, the American was sitting down like a dog waiting for someone the throw the stick away so he could run - woof woof Jellobutt….
Of course when you are a FRB you ran so fast that sometimes it is difficult to see all the paper and checks, and of course this American Jellobutt was in the front, and he did not see the checks, he like to scream out "follow the American" and what choice do we have, follow the paper, and then no more paper. We were running around like dogs, or walking, then yes this Fucking Aussie Horse saw a check that we passed in a speed of 50 km/h…of course that is not easy to see at that speed….
Water, there was plenty of water and shiggy on trail. But only one place where we had to swim and the ever thoughtful hares had even suggested there might be a "long way" around this hazard.
Off we go again and we all waiting for the water stop, we are or some of us are starting to get tired, like G.I Joe… Beverley Hills Pink Cock, Horse, Madame Claude, Wee Wee, Jellobutt, Split Beaver and many more
Yeah what happen with Split Beaver, The rumors are "help, help, I am dying", was Split Beaver screaming out, Mad Cow and this Fucking Aussie Dizzy heard that, and turned around and looked at Split Beaver, Shall we let him die or shall we help him…As most of the hashers wanted to do the whole trail he was lucky two hashers went to his aid. But these two hasher's turned around and lay Split Beaver down in the grass and Mad Cow started to kiss him. Dizzy had to stop Mad Cow, because Split Beaver was struggling even more to breath than before, and then…well….call Split Beaver and get the rest of the history- or – perhaps Split Beavers obituary will follow in the next issue of the Runday Shag.
Yeah and finally water stop, and of course it was a Norwegian first, as usually…Jellobutt was about 30 minutes behind or maybe more….even Greyhound was before him…… Beautiful views from this part of the run – some of the local Thai's have turned up to take pictures of the dishevelled blood covered Falangs
Off again and Vaseline Thighs, Jellobutt, Mud Cracker and an virgin Monkey, His Royal Anus were the FRB's, yeah we was more or less in front all the time and leading the rest of the hashers the right way, even not mud and small lake could stop the FRB, or maybe some fucking stupid hashers like Jellobutt, Beverley Hills Pink Cock turned around and went around this small lake, they did not want to get wet, or perhaps forgot their water wings - they are not real hashers.
We finish after almost 3 and half hours on trail, and it was Vaseline Thighs that was first to the water truck, the second doesn't matter, who cares…..it is not a race……. The remainder of the pack (almost) arrived within 10 mins of the first hasher. G.I. Joe and Peter Alan (both American) arrived a little later. Holding hands on trail must have delayed them!!
Then back to Penny Drop's and a gourmet meal, Mr. Penny Drops was standing on his patio and he look like Caesar when I told us the dinner is ready. The dinner was fantastic, taste very, very good, and the home made smoked ham,,,,,wow. But again Jellobutt was eating and eating, like he should not eat for the next week. We finish eating and the circle started. Mr. wanna be GM Bam Bam started up and we all got a chance to join in even tell a joke or sing. Beverley Hills Pink Cock joke was the worst, he should be in the bucket all night and even sleep in it, and Mad Cow, he sings like Elvis Presley. He should be in Walking Street busking…..and Spaghetti Head..well don't ask!!.
If you want to know more about the circle be there next time.
All the Aussie fuck up and the American too, the French Connection could never be quiet, and Smiling Brown Spider becomes the hash crash… The home sick Kiwi's were presented with a black inflatable sheep and this seemed to goad Skid Mark into action. Do hashers from Chiang Mai enjoy good looking sheep as well? The circle finished late and some normal exhausted hashers went straight to bed. However, many others did not even find the bed, and continued talking and drinking all night. Sheik Bin Shaggin, Mad Cow and that unfortunate Rectom among others. (Mad Cow found next morning sleeping at the foot of some stairs with an un-spilled beer in hand.
Next time please try to drink more alcohol and fall asleep like the rest of us……and Seal Sucker repaired early to bed with his inflatable plastic bovine friend!!
Breakfast started 3 hours to early for me, and we left Wang Nam Khieo 2 hours to early, and believe or not I wake up before the rooster again, yeah it will not happen for the next 8 weeks again….Last comment, it was an fantastic weekend…and I will be there next year too…..
On On
Mud Cracker
